Goodbye Unknown Caller

Election Day - The Unknown Caller Has GoneIt’s Election Day and, happily, there are no signs, placards or campaign surrogates at my Starbucks office. In a few hours, it will all be over except for the shouting (winners) and finger-pointing and wound licking (losers). I’ve been a political junkie all my life but I won’t miss campaign season.

I won’t miss the TV ads. If truth in advertising laws applied to campaign commercials, a lot of people would be going to jail. And why does every ad have to show the other guy in grim black and white looking like his bowel has seized? With all the money being spent, you’d think they’d come up with something fresh, like showing the opponent robbing a bank or kicking an old lady? Haven’t these guys ever heard of photo shop?

And it’s not like they don’t have the money for better ads, not with all the PACs, Super PAC’s, Super Duper PACs and Super Hero PACs. I think we’d all be better off if they just spent the money on six-packs, tipped a few brews, declared victory and went home.

At least we’ll get back to ads that offer us something we really want, like a pill for erectile dysfunction. What man over the age of 50 doesn’t want a woody hard enough to cut diamonds and that lasts for hours even if the side effects include a desire to lie down in a copper bathtub out in the middle of nowhere watching the sun rise or set – I can never tell which it is. And what woman of any age can resist a lubricant that will make her set her sheets on fire? And if sex isn’t on the menu, your mouth will water at images of the biggest, juiciest, irresistible quadruple taco burger with bacon, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, mayo, ketchup, mustard, jalapenos, artichokes, Italian sausage and Pepto Bismol.

I won’t miss the personal emails from candidates begging for cash, warning that my donation is the only thing that will save us from Armageddon, though it’s nice to be on a first name basis with so many important people. Wonder if the gate swings both ways because I’m a little short and could use a few extra bucks.

I do worry about what’s going to happen to the Unknown Caller. My phone has been ringing non-stop and each time Caller ID says it’s the Unknown Caller. I gave in a time or two and answered, getting an earful from a fundraiser for Candidate X or an automated screed attacking Candidate Y. Now I let Unknown Caller’s calls ring through until my answering machine comes on and UC hangs up. With the election over, UC will be out of a job, unemployment will rise and, well, you know the rest. I just hope UC can hold on until the next election cycle starts – tomorrow.

2 Responses to “Goodbye Unknown Caller”

  1. Tom Cronin

    There is another tragedy at the end of the election cycle that you have not mentioned. Some poor English major will be back out on the street after months of conjuring up PAC names! It seemed the more historic and patriotic the name, the more absurd the allegations made. I know the candidate would never get elected, but wouldn’t be refreshing to hear “This who I am, this is what I stand for, and this is what I am going to do. I am sure that the other candidate is a patriotic as I am, so it is up to you, the voter, to choose how you want these goals achieved.” The poor clown would probably get trounced, but at least he would have one vote.